CHAPTER 5
MY THERAPY…
The first memory that came back during my 1st angel therapy... I was in “SECONDAIRE IV” (Equivalent of Year 11). There was some questionnaire we had to fill, nothing real hard so far. It wasn’t my usual teacher that day. The students were agitated and dissipated, oh yeah, I see, we were learning about sexual stuff…
[What could I say about it, I was still a virgin and a Virgo!].
I recall the face of the teacher we had that day. He had a beard. I can’t remember the number of the question we were at but there were 2 pictures. One of them was a picture of a beautiful young lady with titties abnormally pointing upwards…
(No but a girl with small boobies like those just cannot have her nipples there?!).
At that moment, I didn’t really want an insight into the cartoonist’s fantasy world. But how do today’s girls survive in a world where everything is sexualised, photoshopped and exaggerated. At least in my days, Photoshop didn’t yet exist…
[All my original photos and videos remain in my pink mobile phone as proof that none of it was retouched and that the car hasn’t been repaired in any way...].
[Oups… while proofreading my manuscript, I just realized we have just replaced that car…].
And in the second picture was a fat, ugly, chubby woman. The only thing missing were the curlers in her head and a cigarette in her mouth to make is the perfect stereotype of the bogan miserable wife.
Well, right there and then, the girl next to me yelled: “this is what you will look like later fatty!”. The entire class started laughing (did I just see the teacher smile?). I remember looking at him right after with the saddest puppy eyes I could master. But what could he say? I understand him a bit more now that I have his age, in my head) …
And I also remembered right then that it wasn’t the first time I was treated in such a way… but unfortunately then, this sort of abuse didn’t have a name. Heck, I didn’t even realize it was a form of abuse as the subject had never ever been raised anywhere then...
In primary school, I didn’t really notice. We (the unloved) were avoiding any gangs in the school’s corridors or on the playground but there, in the middle of a class, I must say that was a first…
I was in high school at the same time as this guy called Philip Dubuc, He was going out with a girl I knew… Well on that faithful day, don’t ask me why I did it, did I possibly do or say something to show I was agreeing to this?
I will be a slut then. For once that someone shows me any interest, someone finally liked me as I was? I couldn’t care less at that time… Something had to break.
I probably wanted an experience similar to my mom’s first love? I couldn’t really say. I was like in a trance.
We must be careful about the wishes we make in our life…
the good or the back…
as both can come back to haunt you later.
Luckily for me, I had my wish come true at 30, not long after my split from my previous caustic partner... I found HIM by pure luck. On one of THOSE matching web sites… [I was a single mom with a young boy so I couldn’t go out to find mister right like before so I opted for the modern way to meet my mister right.
And I told myself, while we’re at it, I WILL BE THE ONE TO CHOOSE this time!
I always said to everyone that would listen later that if I had to select him in a Consumer Distribution catalogue (ask your parents to explain what that was…), I would undeniably have chosen him anyway (and I’m not only talking about the bod’ here ladies!). So, as my usual self, I wanted him tall (6 feet or more… As I am a bit let’s say on the “plumply” side, I thought that I would look less… well you know, next to a tall guy).
However, on my new re-subscription, I retyped my old list of requirements, but I however stuffed up and wrote 5 feet tall instead.
I didn’t change anything else as I was in a hurry that day. Well, no later than that same evening that a message from a guy with a deep radio voice was patiently waiting on my answering machine (yeah kid’s, before the message bank was attached to a phone attached to a wall…). That is when I heard my name as told by a radio announcer.
It was meant to be. It was exactly one year after his dad passed away that we met!
I was sure his dad headed the search to find me as I was hidden quite far from the big city, where he lived, when that faithful day he swept me off my feet in my little northern suburb place.
Since that first moment, the pour man endured life with my hell, every colour of the rainbow! And not just those found in the lovely painting kit he offered me just before New Year’s day, when I decided to pick up painting once again…My first love painting was…There was a lot of black, and white, a bit of blue but an abundance of grey too, without forgetting a touch of pink of course!... But so much red! Blood red!
And yet, here he is, still loving and caring, listening to my sorrows and somehow still showing me the same love, he has graced me from the very start. That, he solemnly promised at the turn of the millennium, at a rented chalet up north in the hills, with my rosary up to dry outside... It seems that the spell I concocted worked...
And I truly believed him. He wasn’t lying. Our eyes did the talking. This is what I wrote into the card I gave him that day. A phrase sung long ago by lovers everywhere. A phrase I repeated to him many times after, each time as if it was the first:
« Two angels who meet don’t have to say anything, two souls who met said everything without having to speak ».
(Les Misérables from Victor Hugo in its French incarnation).
And not one day since that magic night did I ever felt that he would have preferred anyone else to spend his life with all that time than with me…
But please, my little teddy bear, please oh please stop yelling at those “bloody idiots on the road!
Soooo where was I. Oh yeah. I want to LOSE weight a bit (a lots but…) but most of all, I wanted to heal.
So please, pretty please my gracious super angels (I don’t use middle men, I talk directly to the archangels, the big three. Please help me some more, I still want to continue my therapy with you guys!
Notes from the author: Today is the 12th of June at 5:28 p.m.
I just finished my last page (well that’s what I thought at the time). I’m breathing easier. Then I called and had a long chat with my mom who had just finished moving into a new apartment.
Yet, I was in bed. As I was still unwell, I had the best excuse NOT to help with the moving. Sorry bro and sis.
When suddenly I had somewhat of a revelation. Everything became clear, limpid, bluer. So much bluer. I had just gone through all the events and barriers I had lived. One by one I negotiated and crossed every obstacle on my way to get here. All were relevant and had to happen in order for me to be who I AM today.
This, is my life...